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This really is a unique Guest article by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer girl blog site that’s entertaining and smart and just a little perverse and
WE THINK IT’S GREAT
. Probably wouldn’t end up being a bad concept setting apart a while and obtain drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, for those who haven’t currently. Just make sure you keep coming back right here to read through this article, because it’s unique, as previously mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO NOTICE A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the buddy. Everyone had gotten the buddy? Great. Hold on tight tight your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this will be a true tale.

Ahem.

A Long Time Ago, when I ended up being very newly homosexual I Did Not have any idea I Found Myself newly gay…

An older lesbian at now-defunct queer bar called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was totally only indeed there to dancing)


gave me some information:

1)


Never open a combined checking account together with your lover



2)


Don’t fake sexual climaxes



3)


Guarantee a lady’s nails tend to be thoroughly clean.

The sensible lesbian was in the woman later part of the 40’s, an age group at this point from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that I couldn’t actually envision exactly what it need to be want to be so old.

Just how unfortunate, I Was Thinking. Here she actually is at a bar and she actually is old. I hope Really don’t finish depressed like the lady.

Actually it fun becoming the biggest market of your own market?

What just a little shit I was.

For reasons uknown, though, I was presented with from

Za’s


that night duplicating the woman three guidelines to me.

While I woke upwards, I was thinking of them.

It was similar to inside the Silver seat, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The indicators.


Do not behave like that you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set one or more times annually.

Anyhow! over the years, i usually remembered the three existence classes the lesbian had instructed myself. The woman information made good sense.

We never ever launched a shared checking account with anybody.

I never faked orgasms once again after the first couple of instances used to do it, realizing I was, in reality, dooming myself personally to a continuous pattern of shitty gender by fulfilling poor overall performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And that I always secretly checked a woman’s nails before we slept together with her.

Brief? Check.

No scratchy sides? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It Really Is go time.

But the reason why, sluts?


What’s the big deal about fingernails?


What is actually with all the short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?

After all, alright, I get it. It is harder to screw with extended fingernails. You could potentially perhaps puncture a lung or something.

But it is not difficult. I’ve had lengthy fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t everything hard — you merely make sure to utilize the pads of fingers.

So why was that lesbian very emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision accomplish some debunking.

Definitely nothing could really occur should you decide had gotten banged by some body with dirty nails.

And I recalled an account so horrible I would virtually forgotten it.

Homos.

Terrible shit can happen.

This scary story involves all of us thanks to my good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” who’s got observed a lot more snatch in temperature than a kitty hospital on totally free Spay time.

Alright.

Cai


was at Miami when she came across a tremendously hot femme we will call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks baking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had enormous gold hoops that shimmered when you look at the light, plus held among the many greatest asses


Cai


had actually ever viewed.

She secretly texted me a photo of

Katie

during the share so she could boast, and I texted straight back,


“I would strike that till my hand dropped down.”

Very, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that night. There had been some major ingesting.

While getting undressed


Katie


inside half-light,


Cai


noticed some thing she had not actually observed prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

Actually,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot stop the psychological image of those nails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


also let

Katie


screw the lady, while she ordinarily never allows anyone accomplish that. Exactly what the hell, she figured. Heading home the next day. Never see this woman once again. I will get topped for a night.

Why don’t we fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

One thing ended up being completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Really, seriously wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things ended up being oozing as a result. As soon as we say some after all excessive. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because becoming encouraging is really what relationship is all about, whenever she explained, we stated,


“which means you at long last had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved residence, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she performed, undoubtedly have gonorrhea. She went, the very first time actually


(she was 28),


to our queer-friendly community gyno clinic.

They failed to understand what was actually incorrect together with her.

They tried the lady for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was at some pain. She needed solutions. She was indeed getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost 30 days now.

So that they gave their an ultrasound.

AND ARE YOU WILLING TO GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All around the inside her vag.

Lots and lots of rips.

Cai


were ripped to shreds. The woman insides were dangling in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe-paper birthday decorations inside.

And every little thing – every last inches – ended up being infected.

It can appear that whenever Katie made use of her fantastic long fingernails to offer

Cai


a strenuous drunk-fuck, no person understood that her nails were additionally a festering reproduction ground for



microbial vaginosis

.

Cool.

Cai


claims to have already been a stone-cold leading since that time.

My best friend wikipedia says you can aquire horrible problems from dirty nails. Evidently, you will find often staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that could trigger anything from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That smart lesbian was spot-on together existence classes.

Never ever open up a shared bank account together with your lover.

Never fake sexual climaxes.

And holy mommy of goodness, browse an innovative new strategy’s fingernails before banging.

Or perhaps you are destined to suffer the fate of Cai.

THE CONCLUSION

I Must ask yourself, however…

Have of y’all previously gotten such a thing awful from another girl’s fingers?

Or heard about a person that did?

Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My hands are inching towards travel-sized Purell bottle.

I need answers.